Oh My!

The purpose of this blog is to vent and hopefully come to my senses at the end.


A little background about me when it comes to men, dating, and relationships.
I cringed as I wrote relationships, that should say something.


I recently got out of a long relationship, a relationship that got the best of me and turned me into a monster at times. It turned me into someone I didn't recognize after a while. I couldn't believe the harsh things that would come out of my mouth out of anger. I was unhappy for the last few months, but I didn't have the guts to end it. When fate finally ended it for us, I was relieved. I was so happy to not have anyone to please, I enjoyed my space and I loved that I had no one to fight with.


Even though I got over everything pretty quickly, I took several months to myself and just focused on school. I got so used to being single, I was content with it. For the first time in my life, I enjoyed it. Yes, I still wanted to meet my future husband and complained that I am tired of being single. But the truth is, the single life grew on me.


After a couple of horrible dates, I met "Ray". We have been seeing more of each other this past week and it dawned on me that this might actually be going somewhere..


Yes, I do enjoy spending time with Ray, we do have chemistry, he is very easy to get along with, he has all the qualities I am looking for, but why am I still not satisfied?


The thing about me is.. I need to control everything! I need to know that everything I do, has a goal that I will accomplish in the end. I need to know where relationships will go so I don't waste my time. I need to know that me and the other person are on the same page. As much as I want to leave everything to fate because I really do believe in it, I push a little.. fine, I push a lot! And because of this, I don't get to enjoy the person I am with entirely.


When I do end up liking someone, which doesn't happen often and I feel it starting to get serious, I push away. I look for every reason to not continue dating them, I get confused and worked up for nothing.


After talking to my mother today, she wasn't too pleased with the idea of me not interested in relationships anymore. She told me I cannot go through life comparing the new guy to the old one.


I wasn't comparing per se, I just don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to get sucked into something that will not work out. I do however, want to take that leap of faith. I want fate to decide with who I end up and when.


I want to be able to enjoy a person's company without having a crazy check-off list in my mind and trying to find a deal breaker.


I say this to everyone all the time, and for once I am going to take my advice; I am going to literally take it one day at a time, and leave it up to the heavens to bring me my match. I am going to keep dating Ray and hopefully his heart is sincere, and if that doesn't work out, hopefully this will be an experience that will benefit me and teach me more about myself. After all, Ray does take me out of my comfort zone, and I have never tried something like that before, but I will give this my all!


XOXO